Thursday, March 25, 2010

Trying to breathe.

I'm waiting.

And I'm worrying.

And I'm trying to function but failing miserably.

My dad's been fighting prostate cancer off and on for the past seven years - he was diagnosed the same year my brother died of cancer. He went through a high-tech "proton radiation" therapy at a California hospital the year before Chloe was born and it put him in "remission".

But his PSA count is back up. Up enough that they're saying the cancer is back.

He went and had some testing done, in Florida this time - a fancy version of an MRI that allows them to see just how much the cancer has progressed, and to give him more specific information than a simple biopsy could give.

He was scheduled to call the doctors for a conference call at 2:30 this afternoon to go over the results.

It's 4:00 now. I haven't heard from my parents yet. I don't know if they're still talking to the doctor, or if they aren't calling me for some other reason.

I'm sick to my stomach with worry. I keep pacing mindlessly around the house, feigning cleaning and straightening, while I watch the clock and wonder if it's too early to call.

If you're the praying type, would you say a prayer for him? And for my mom... I can't imagine how worried she must be, though she's that strong type of woman who doesn't often show it. And if you're not the praying type, would you mind sending some positive energy thoughts our way? We could use 'em.

I'll sit here and hold back tears, and pretend to fold laundry, and try to remember to take deep breaths. And I'll say a silent prayer of thankfulness for the inventor of the Barbie dolls that are entertaining my kids while I walk around uselessly waiting for the phone to ring.

Edited to update: Essentially, the results of the test are that... he needs more tests. They don't really know much still. :::sigh::: The unknown sucks.


Just Me said...

I am not much of a prayer. But he's in my thoughts.

Bliss Knits said...

I'm sure they've just been delayed by a doctor running late.

Sending hugs and huge positive thoughts your way.

Stay strong. Take care. xxx

red blazes said...

hi there.

i've been a blog lurker of yours for awhile now, but haven't commented much. this post struck a chord with me though, as my dad is also battling his own body right now. it's not cancer, but a degenerative neurological disease (we think). i've been there before, waiting for tests and more tests and just wanted to let you know that i'm sending love and healing energy in the way of you and your family and hope that you will do the same for me and mine. cuz after all, we all gotta have each other's backs, right? :-)

hang in there.

love & light,

Julie said...

Thanks to each of you for the encouraging words.

Janene - I was about to delete this blog post because I generally try to avoid focusing on the depressing junk of life, and then I read your comment, and decided not to. Sometimes it's good for us humans to connect on that kind of level - keeps us reminded of our humanity, I suppose. Thanks for the kind words and the positive thoughts. Much healing energy is being sent your way from our house - for your dad, for you, and for your family. So sorry that you're going through something similar, and that he is too. Thanks for the note on my blog, too! So nice to be able to connect.

Kim said...

praying for you! please think of us too. andy's mom is battling lung cancer and it's not going too well. *hugs*

Crazy Homeschool Mama said...

Just saw this :((( PRAYING!! text or call if you need to talk! 208-255-8333

Life said...

PFY. Hugs.

red blazes said...

I'm glad I could at least help a little, even if it was just to prevent you erasing the entry (i do that WAY too much myself!).

And I agree, it is definitely nice to connect - even online! I'll continue to keep you all in my thoughts!

love and more light,

Deb said...

Oh Julie! I just now read your blog, am playing "catch up" with your life... I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. I do know a little something about prayer, and I will definitely be talking to the Lord about your dad. Keep me posted on what's happening.

Sending up prayers & lots of love for you and your family....