Tonight was the "Miller Family Annual Winter Gift Exchange". We thought that was a more politically correct term than any of the others we thought of. I considered suggesting "The Miller Family Night of Awkwardness and Misery" but decided against it.
I survived four hours of my in-laws tonight, and have lived to blog about it. It wasn't *so terrible really, just awkward and uncomfortable, as are most interactions with them. And let me be specific: by "them", I mean "her". I mean, it's awkward with all of them, but she's the one who really makes it that way.
Chloe was at Mark's, and missed this.... "celebration". It was very lucky that thus was the case, because otherwise she would have failed miserably at the quiz my mother in law imposed upon the other grandchildren. She was sitting behind us having them recite to her sentences about the Maccabees and other such Hanukkah things. Chloe can't even tell you what a Bible is, other than that it's a big book a preacher holds when he marries two people. :oX Oy. On a handful of occasions now, she has referred to Chloe as her "adopted granddaughter". It wouldn't be so bad except that she specifically points it out. "Our grandchildren... and our adopted granddaughter" as she looks pointedly at me. Ugh! It's no wonder I try to avoid having Chloe around her and always schedule our visits on nights that Mark has her. When Chloe was writing a thank you note the other day to them I told her to write "Dear grandmother and grandfather Miller" but she corrected me and instead wrote "Dear Step grandmother and Step grandfather Miller". I was going to have her change it, as I felt bad pointing that out, but since she insists on pointing out that Chloe isn't her REAL granddaughter, I guess Chloe can call them step grandparents all she wants. Hmphh.
I dropped out of high school my junior year. I was in AP classes with a 3.8 GPA. I loved school with a sort of twisted passion - I have always loved learning. However, I was teased mercilessly because I was never 'cool'. I was never as good as the 'cool' kids and they made sure I knew it. I suffered all my life with a terrible inferiority complex, all because I was a product of the public school system.
When I got to college (I got my GED, performed well on the ACT, then decided to drop out of high school and go to college instead) I realized that I really was just like everyone else. The cliques sort of disappear when you get to college, and no one is any better than anyone else. I've always harbored a slight inferiority complex and my self esteem has always suffered, but it did get a LOT better after the hell that they call high school.
And then, I met my husband's mother. Talk about inferiority complex. That woman would have me know that I will NEVER be as good as her son, EVER. Her family is the best that has ever been and no one else will ever come anywhere close. And in every little way, she wants me to be sure that I know that I don't deserve such a man. Spending time there makes me feel so completely horrible about myself, I come home with the most awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I sit and re-play the evening in my head, remembering every stupid thing that I said, every way that I made a complete ass of myself, and it makes me hate myself that much more. I'm sure she would be thrilled to know that.
His sisters and dad are better in that they don't sit there and so obviously judge me, but I know they still just know that I'm not as good as they are.
Blah, blah, blah. I just wrote a couple of paragraphs but decided to delete them, since I was rambling. So I'm going to end this abruptly now, since I have nothing else useful to say.
As if any of this was useful?
Heh. Right. Okay, goodnight!